Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample