I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.