At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral