on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
