She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
