Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Vodka?
Forever.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
