ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
