im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
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this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
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