hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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