My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
