Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How external is "for external use only"?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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