Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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