as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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