he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
