Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
