Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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