She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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