Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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