I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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