Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
