stop calling my apartment porn island.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
