I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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