Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
