He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
