So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
