forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
