my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
