Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
