dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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