1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
