FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
