Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
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I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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