I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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