I murdered the dance floor call the cops
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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