I'm laying in your front yard are you home
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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