if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
