i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
