i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
