My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
