I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
