Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..