I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
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It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
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my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you