I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Randomize
