Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?