You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
