theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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