I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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