I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
