it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Welp...herpes.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
