I faked an abortion last night.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just found puke in my bra..
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
