Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
