the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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