Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
