Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
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Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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