I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize