i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
