He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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